There are times when I can concentrate enough to read. ‘So do you have book recommendations for me? I would love to read more.’ ‘I wish I had that much time to watch TV!’ ‘You must be so on top of all the good shows!’ So whenever my brother and I could, we sat down and watched cartoons together for an hour or two, relaxing into the silly but heartwarming stories that wrapped up neatly in 22 minutes – the inverse of the family drama still playing out in the shadows. We needed comfort, we needed simplicity and we needed to laugh. We were arguably too old for cartoons, but considered ourselves connoisseurs of them anyway. We had recently been uprooted by our parents’ difficult separation. That house, that couch, means I was 17 and my brother, 15. I can picture the two of us in Mum’s living room. Though, inevitably, that freedom is taken away. I feel the pain always, but I have been granted the freedom-albeit a temporary one-to rejoin my friends and loved ones. Other days I find myself with a quarter of a tank. Then my need to rest becomes unavoidable. Some days the pain leaves me without the energy to do anything but eat, stay upright and think clearly about the meds I need to take. I think of all the children in my life whose growth I track only in pictures, the precious hours not spent with ageing relatives, the quality time that passes me by that could see acquaintances become close friends. It’s also that I second-guess my relationships because of all of the special occasions I wasn’t part of. It’s not just that I feel bad for missing the parties, dinners, dates and coffees. I feel guilty for all the times I’m forced to cancel plans because I don’t have the energy to socialise after work, or it’s raining and humidity increases my pain, or the pain has been so intense for days on end that I can’t get rid of the dark cloud above my head. My life of chronic illness and chronic pain is one of resting for hours and hours. My chronic pain formally became a disability at 34. I also have polycystic ovary syndrome (a chronic condition causing irregular periods and hormonal imbalances) and endometriosis (where lesions that are similar to uterine lining grow outside the uterus, causing pain, fertility issues and potential organ dysfunction). Ten years ago, after years of unexplained symptoms, I was finally diagnosed with chronic pelvic pain as a result of dysmenorrhea (painful periods) and menorrhagia (long and heavy periods). Do you ever feel like this? Because I don’t think this should be happening.ĭo you ever start to cross the road too late to make it to the other side without running, knowing that you’re not going to run?ĭo you ever have days when you’re not in pain? What does that feel like?ĭoctors then ask, ‘What about this level of pain?’ĭoctors: ‘Give that to me as a number from one to 10.’
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